Flypaper eyes

Until quite recently I thought, in my naivety, that people carried little compact mirrors about with them for the same reason I do – I was wrong. You see, apparently the average schmo just likes looking at their face now and again, to check it’s still there probably, or as a Sims-like confidence booster. I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care – I have actual problems people, for I MUST carry a mirror on my person at all times or risk BLINDNESS. (Also, I like to think that if ever I should find myself shipwrecked, it’d come in as a handy fire-starter/way of making planes crash so I’d have company).

Representative results of direct comparative tests - note control subjects not observed using mirrors for purposes of removing bonsai tree pieces from own face

You see, things end up in my eye most days. MOST DAYS. It could be an errant eyelash rebelling against its natural function, a bit of invisible dust, cigarette ash or even small insects (seriously, once I found an ANT in there) – these are all things that have somehow found their way into my eye. 

Non-exhaustive list of foreign bodies that have wound up in my eyeballs. It's all gone a bit Ren & Stimpy

At the risk of sounding like an eyeball hypochondriac, I wonder whether I have some kind of disorder where my eyes are somehow made of magnets (did my mother have a fling with an X-man? Probably not). Or maybe my tears are made of glue? Or, the worst scenario of all - maybe it’s not that there’s stuff going into my eyes so much as things coming OUT – suddenly Lil Bro’s childhood taunts of brainivorous earwigs become a chilling possibility. Alternatively I could just have over-sensitive eyeballs, an expected result of a teenage penchant for wearing glitter (essentially tiny razor blades) as eyeshadow. I wouldn’t be too surprised if I develop glittery cataracts in my old age too. Glitteracts, they’ll call them. And I probably won’t mind bumping into stuff so much, if it means the world looks like a brilliant kaleidoscopic dancefloor.

Glitteracts, coming soon to a retirement home near you.

So I’ve that to look forward to.