Men's fashion as perceived by women...

If I were a more paranoid individual, or a washed-up popstar with nothing better to do, I might suggest that the phenomenon of skinny jeans on guys was instigated as some kind of government conspiracy to reduce the teenage birth rate. (Indeed, I’d have to be pretty assured of the competence of the government in the first place. But I live in Ireland). 

I’ve never liked skinny jeans on ANYONE, being a dedicated ‘90s grunge/scruff devotee, but how they became acceptable for guys to wear is something I’ll never understand, like the popularity of Twitter or suicide bombing. I digress. The contraceptive features of skinny jeans are twofold. First, there’s the gross unattractiveness of seeing all that lies below the belt uncomfortably showcased within the unforgiving media of denim. Secondly, there’s the physiological effect of packing one’s junk into such a restrictive and, I imagine, downright uncomfortable environment – surely that’s going to impede reproductive fitness? Only time will tell. It reminds me of how sheep are castrated – the testicles are tied up with string until they shrivel and drop off. May explain the recent increase falsetto music – that ain’t autotune.

Joe Blogs versus Joe Momma

One of the worst offenses to female eyeballs however, has to be the male wristband. This is a relatively new and disturbingly widespread phenomenon to me. On the plus side, it can be used as a rough indicator of age (if not actual than mental), useful for any ladies considering mating potential. Worse still, there seems to be some sort of hierarchy about this fad – a single wristband will act as an effective woman-repellent, particularly if plastic and neon. Wearing more than one will have a cumulative effect, repulsing even women in different time zones in some instances. However, like all rules arbitrarily invented by yours truly, there are the odd exceptions. For example – black, usually leather, wrist-support-type things that dudes in bands sometimes wear are inexplicably attractive. Combined with the bizarrely appealing Mars-bar arms phenomenon (wherein a guys arms are veiny, but “in a good way”, reminiscent of the top of a Mars bar), this can be the difference between “let’s just be friends” and “let’s just be naked friends”. I also feel obliged to include in the exceptions list wrist things worn for medical alert purposes. These are practical, and therefore perfectly acceptable on males. Plus, my dad’s silver one makes him look pretty damn pimp and, for some reason, that’s a good thing.

The hierarchical appeal of male wristbands

Oh fashion.